A Mysterious Night's Play
by Aiumi
Summary: A Midsummer Night's Dream...or not. Tomo exploits schoolchildren, the twins run amuck and get glitter everywhere, Tetsuya tries his hand at empire-controlling and Nakago is the king of the faeries? Shakespeare certainly never wrote THIS.
1. Chapter One

A Mysterious Night's Dream

A Mysterious Night's Dream

By Aiumi

****

Dramatis Personae

Theseus- Tetsuya- The newly crowned Emperor of Kutou

Egeus- Keisuke- Concerned older brother and good buddy of the Emperor

Lysander- Tamahome- Fairly normal but incredibly stupid in love with Miaka

Demetrius- Hotohori- Emperor of Kounan and in love with Miaka

Quince- Chuei- Member of Tomo's first grade class

Snout-Shunkei- Member of Tomo's first grade class

Starveling-Gyokuran- Member of Tomo's first grade class

Flute- Yuiren- Member of Tomo's first grade class

Snug- Ashitare- Member of Tomo's first grade class and his assistant in evil plots.

Bottom- Tomo- First grade teacher

Hippolyta- Yui- Soon-to-be Empress of Kutou

Hermia- Miaka- Brainless ditz in love with Tamahome

Helena- Nuriko- Suspiciously beautiful courtesan in love with Hotohori

Oberon- Nakago- Petulant Lord of the Faeries

Titania- Soi- Cruel and beautiful Queen Faerie

Puck- Amiboshi and Suboshi- Twin faerie troublemakers

Peasblossom- Tasuki- Reluctant faerie

Cobweb- Chiriko- Intelligent faerie

Moth- Mitsukake- Stoic faerie

Mustardseed- Chichiri- Rational faerie

ACT ONE

"Babe?" Tetsuya peered around the hall door. "You around?" 

"That's no term for the future Empress." Yui smiled. 

"Sorry, babe." Tetsuya grinned and kissed her quickly. "There's no rule says I can't see you before the wedding, is there?" 

"Nope."

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"How did I get this job, anyway?"

Before Yui could answer, the door slammed open, and Keisuke stormed into the room, followed closely by his sister. Tamahome and Hotohori trotted at Miaka's heels. They shot nasty looks at each other before trying to go through the door at exactly the same time and getting hopelessly stuck.

"Yo. What's up?" Tetsuya blinked at his friend over his pair of expensive Emperor-style sunglasses.

"Hey, uh…" Keisuke dragged the Emperor to a secluded corner. "Uh…you know how we've been best friends since fourth grade?"

"Yeah?"

"And you know I'd never let you down, right?"

"How much do you want?" Tetsuya sighed.

"And you-huh?"

It took a moment to sort out the misunderstanding. "Okay, see, you know my sister, Miaka. And she's of marriageable age an' shit. So, of course, being a good older brother, I arrange for her to marry Hotohori, who's a nice guy, cute, sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly, rolling in money. I thought, 'Hey, I'll pay back my good buddy Tetsuya for all the nice stuff he's done for me'. So what's she do? Goes out and finds the first penniless poetic dumbass she sees to be in love with! Now all I hear is "Miaka," "Tamahome," "Miaka," "Tamahome," day and night! I can't live like this! Do something!"

"Um…gee…you sure you don't want money?"

"Tamahomeeee…" Miaka whined. She took three steps and tripped over a rock that wasn't there. "Owwieee…"

"Miaka?" Tamahome poked at her prostrate form.

"Tamahome…"

"Miaka…"

"Tamahome…"

It continued much like this, neither of them noticing that the forest floor under them was moving them to an entirely different location. 

Suboshi grinned, leaning on the lever that controlled the Moving Forest Sidewalk of the Faeries. "Where shall we put them, brother?" 

"Don't talk like that, Shun. It's scary."

"'Tisn't!"

"Shun, do you have the drugs?" Amiboshi straightened his mottled green robes, shaking off several layers of glitter.

"NOO! Aniki, you lost your glitter! Here, let me help you!" With a crazed look in his eyes, Suboshi fluttered a foot off the ground, ryuuseisui spinning. With a puff of air, a cloud of green glitter covered Amiboshi. 

They were both faeries. But they didn't particularly care. 

"Fellow fae! Show thyselves!" Amiboshi called merrily. Four rather reluctant and bedraggled people that could only pass minimally for faeries trudged into the clearing. 

"Faerie roll call and glitter enhancement!" Suboshi shouted. 

"Peasblossom!" Amiboshi shouted.

"THAT'S NOT MY %^$#ING NAME!!" Tasuki squalled. "What the hell kind of a pansy name is Peasblossom?! I'm not a faerie! I'm not I'm not I'm not!"

"He's here. Proceed with glitter." A cloud of amber glitter settled on Tasuki. 

"Ahem. Cobweb!"

"Present, I'm afraid." Chiriko squinched his eyes shut as gold and silver glitter poofed above him.

"Mustardseed!"

"There's no point in denying it, is there?" Chichiri sighed and received blue glitter. 

"And Moth!"

Mitsukake said nothing but was glittered in green. The look on his face suggested that he was slightly miffed. 

"All right! It's time to make you suitably happy! In this forest we are renowned for our happy, perky faeries!" Amiboshi held up his happy drugs. 

Chichiri and Chiriko smiled brightly and were passed up. Tasuki continued his tirade and was tranquilized. He flitted happily about the clearing for the next several hours, pretending to be a bunny and scared several passersby. 

"Perhaps that was a little too happy. Oh, well."

Mitsukake was a special case. 

"You look like you need to sing the Happy Faerie Song! Well, go ahead!"

Mitsukake did not sing. 

Amiboshi darted around behind him, moved his mouth, and sang the Happy Faerie Song. The look on Mitsukake's face suggested that he was not happy. 

"Um…aniki, why'd you do that?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time…"

"Now then, children…" Tomo struck a dramatic pose, his back to the four small children and Ashitare who were listening attentively. "We seem to have lost our school funding, so I will be your sole teacher from now on." He turned sharply, as to instill fear into the hearts of his minions…er, pupils. They blinked at him ignorantly. 

"Of course, this means that there will be certain…changes in the way that this classroom works…" Tomo's arrogant pace took on a purposeful stride as he tapped a perfectly manicured fingernail against his chin. 

"YOU!" he snapped, whirling on Gyokuran. "You will heretofore refer to me as 'O Amazing Godlike Keeper of Wisdom'!" Ashitare crashed a pair of cymbals together to emphasize Tomo's amazing-ness.

"Very good, very good. Now, as for you…" Tomo leaned menacingly toward Yuiren. "You shall address me as 'Most High and Wonderful Sensei, Without Whom I Would Never Survive'." Again, the crash of cymbals. 

"Hai, sensei Tomo," Yuiren squeaked.

"On second thought, don't speak at all. I can't stand your voice. Chuei, you may address me as…the aforementioned title." Chuei nodded and began to scratch the rather long term of address in the dirt with a stick. 

"Stop that at once!" Tomo snatched the stick away. "We are not funded enough for you to use this stick! Now then, on with the lesson…"

"Sensei Tomo?" Shunkei raised his hand. 

"What is it, you miserable little…"

"What about me, sensei Tomo?"

Tomo's eyes narrowed. One could almost see the waves of evil tyranny shooting at poor Shunkei.

"From now on…" Tomo paused for dramatic effect. "Your name is Beppo."

Cymbals crashed.

Nakago was feeling petulant. He was a bored little Lord of the Faeries. Oh, sure, it was great to sparkle and flutter about on gossamer wings, but Seiryuu knew how boring it was not to be able to order anyone's execution. 

And then there was the matter of his Queen. Soi flitted about every single day, sampling culinary dainties, changing outfits three times an hour, each spider's silk gown prettier than the last, ordering her servants to make everything more luxurious and elegant. 

Nakago frowned. He wanted to wear sparkly dresses and silken frocks. He knew he'd look prettier in them than Soi did. But the faerie tailors only giggled, even when he asked them comparatively nicely with a minimal amount of menace.

So, logically, he decided to steal them all. Every last one. Oh, not himself, he couldn't be bothered. He'd send his twin clowns. 

And, for once and for all, he would be the prettiest thing in the forest. 

END OF ACT--

"Noooo! Hotohori-samaaaa!!!" Nuriko tore through the forest, long hair fluttering, and nearly smacked Nakago off of his faerie throne. Nakago frowned.

Hotohori trotted through the forest rather obliviously. He struck dramatic poses at random, deciding on which was the most comfortable and showed off his luxurious olivine-brown tresses. 

A fuzzy squirrel chittered at him from the branches of a tree. It's eyes were big, brown, and liquid, and was actually quite cute. It held out an acorn to the emperor in a friendly manner and squeaked at him to take the gift. 

Hotohori smiled and reached out to accept it, but suddenly realized that he was much prettier than the squirrel and therefore under no conditions could accept any gifts. Nuriko suddenly burst out of nowhere and clung to Hotohori's leg for dear life. "MARRY ME, HOTOHORI-SAMA!!!! MARRY ME!!" 

Hotohori blinked, wondering what the strange weight on his leg was. He shrugged and continued his stroll. 

Nuriko whimpered and whined. 

END OF ACT ONE

Bet you missed my note, huh? Nyah, nyah, you can't make me write one…review or I'll send Burt the Incontinent Weasel to pay you a little visit. Maybe. 


	2. Chapter Two

Untitled ACT TWO 

"I'm a faerie, yes I am…la la la la laa la…" Amiboshi skipped happily back to Faerie Headquarters, singing the Happy Faerie Song, which he was rather fond of. He perched on a privet bush, careful not to get un-glittered. 

A single spangle of glitter fluttered to the ground. 

"NOOOOO!!!" Suboshi dove out of nowhere, tackling his brother, who fell unceremoniously off of the privet bush, spilling even more glitter. Suboshi, meanwhile, carefully picked up the lone bit of shiny mystery substance (does anyone really know that glitter isn't reconstituted fish bits?) and deposited it onto Amiboshi's head. "I will not shirk my duties as Royal Glitter-Keeper!!!" 

"Uh-huh." Amiboshi pulled out his memorandum-book and a pencil. He wrote, 'The 'Keep Out of Reach of Children' warnings on my happy drugs DO apply to Shun-chan.' On the next page of the memorandum book, his royal shopping list, he listed, 'Ritalin'. 

"Aniki, I'm bo-ored…" Suboshi sat despondently on the ground, and after a moment's pause, decided he liked it better under the privet bush. "Ooh! Fun! Lookit all the pretty colors…" 

Amiboshi sighed. Suddenly, his pointed ears perked up at the sound of the King and Queen working themselves up into yet another catfight. 

"Bitch!" 

"Asshole!" 

Nakago and Soi glowered at each other. Nakago's eyes narrowed menacingly. He was out of insults. 

"Hmm…" 

"Pansy!" 

"Hmmm…" 

"Jackass!" 

It was his turn. He sighed imperceptibly. It was hard when you didn't know that many good curse words. 

"Bitch." He'd used that one, hadn't he? Oh, well. He straightened the elaborate gold lamé gown he was wearing. It set off his eyes well. "I will never surrender to the likes of you." Ooh, good one. Very imposing. He congratulated himself. 

"Sire, you're wearing a dress. I don't think you have a chance in this argument." Amiboshi warily attempted to break things up. "Can't we all just get along?" 

"Not until he gives me my dress back!" Soi screeched, slapping Nakago across the face. 

Amiboshi sighed. "Give peace a chance, your highnesses…your highnesses?" 

Too late. They were both slapping each other without sign of letup for the next hour or two. 

Tamahome and Miaka had continued their nauseating little dialogue until they had dropped off to sleep from exhaustion. Miaka snored loudly, scaring small woodland creatures. 

Amiboshi, happening to walk by, stopped to gawk at the scene. "Huh. Scary." He moved on, but some of his drugs didn't, a small vial hitting Tamahome on the head. 

"Owieee…" he muttered. He blinked groggily at the vial of blue liquid for a moment, and then jumped ecstatically to his feet. "I'll make a fortune selling this stuff! Whatever it is…" He gave the bottle a hug, and then looked at it al little more closely. "Huh. Maybe I'd better try a little just in case it's poison or something…" Unfortunately, there was only a very little liquid in the bottle, and Tamahome had soon finished it. It tasted rather like peppermint-flavored squirrel meat, which isn't very nice-tasting at all. 

At that moment, the emperor strolled by, Nuriko still attached to his leg. Nuriko's braid snagged on a bush, and, for fear of losing his beautiful locks, he was forced to let go and fall to the ground with a plop. Hotohori did not notice. Tamahome, unfortunately, did. 

"Gosh, you're sure pretty…" Tamahome's eyes went big and sparkly, Amiboshi's love-drug taking its effect on his tiny brain. 

"Mm-hmm…I get that all the time, hon." Nuriko continued to attempt to unsnag his hair from the bush. "Now be a love and help me out here, would you?" 

"Really, really pretty…" Tamahome's one-track mind was still stuck where he'd started. "I love you, Nuriko!" He darted forward and hugged Nuriko, whose hair caught even more helplessly on the bush. Nuriko yelped. 

"I even wrote a poem for you! Listen!" Tamahome, not worrying about why the bit of parchment had 'To Miaka' written across the top and outlined in little hearts, proceeded to read, albeit jerkily and screwing up often. 

"I have a sponge.  
It looks like…an orange.  
Spornge."

"Uh…great, hon…I'll just be leaving now…" Nuriko, having finally become unstuck, ran off as fast as he could into the forest. 

"Waaiiiit! I love yoouu!" Tamahome screamed, and ran after him. 

Suboshi felt surprisingly normal. This was not a good sign. He went off into the forest to cause some faerie mischief. 

Voices sounded from the clearing ahead, and Suboshi crept up on delicate faerie feet, peering over a well-placed bush. Tomo, four schoolchildren, and Ashitare were rehearsing a rather shabby school play. A crazed glint came into Suboshi's eyes, and he chuckled sadistically. 

Tomo growled. That was the fifth line Shunkei had forgotten, and Yuiren had missed her entrance. To top it all off, Ashitare's set was less than functional. "No, no, no! Stop it! Stop everything! And Seiryuu said, 'Where the hell is Yuiren'?" 

Yuiren sidled in. 

"And there the hell was Yuiren! And Seiryuu said, 'Let there be rice paper panels that open when they open and close when they close!' And--" 

"Most High and Wonderful Sensei, Without Whom I Would Never Survive?" Chuei stuttered. 

"What is it, Beppo?" 

"I'M Beppo!" shouted Shunkei. 

"Oh. Well, what is it?" 

"There's- there's a scary monster behind you!!!!" All the children and Ashitare screamed and ran. 

"Oh, very funny--" Tomo turned around. 

"BOOGA BOOGA!" Suboshi screamed, covered in leaves and glitter, and looking quite scary. Tomo screamed and ran after his students into the forest. 

Tomo panted for dear life as he kept running, feathers flapping wildly. He couldn't go back after that last humiliation. The thing he'd let out a particularly girly scream about was probably only a bird. He sighed. Guys like him just couldn't win. 

As Tomo sprinted, Amiboshi wandered towards him along the path. At the sound of pattering feet, he glanced up, just in time to be smacked into by the terrified painted man. 

Several of Amiboshi's drugs that should never have been mixed did so, and set off an explosion in a blast of multicolored smoke and light. A purple haze could be observed hanging around that particular place for weeks afterward. 

Amiboshi stood up, shook his head (causing a cloud of glitter) and moved on. 

Tomo lay inert for several minutes. He groaned eventually, and twitched awake. His head reeled as he stood up, and his clothing reeked with the scent of pineapple. Tomo is allergic to pineapple. 

The painted professor of pygmy pupils staggered slightly, suddenly getting that not-so-fresh feeling. Weaving into a nearby clearing, he let out one piteous moan and collapsed. 

END OF ACT TWO 


	3. Act Three

A Mysterious Night's Play– Part 3  
  
"So you see, Mr. Emperor Man, that is why we should perform our school play, Snow White and the One Dwarf with Multiple Personalities in honor of your...up-coming..." Chuei frowned. "Hey, Shunkei, what's this word here?"  
"I dunno." Shunkei looked up at Tetsuya. "Hi. I play the dwarf!"  
"Uh...your upcoming getting-married-ness..." Chuei grinned uncertainly. The three children and Ashitare behind Chuei grinned also, looking frighteningly like they were about to eat someone.  
Tetsuya twitched. "Gimme a minute."  
Keisuke plucked at his sleeve, smiling benevolently. "I think it's a great idea, Tetsuya!"  
"I refuse to let you charge admission, bro."  
"Why, Tetsuya! What would give you the idea that I would do a thing like that?" Keisuke straightened up, looking righteous. "I solemnly promise that no one will pay a cent to get in!"  
Tetsuya sighed. He seemed to be sighing a lot lately. "Okay, then."  
"YAY!" shouted the children and Ashitare.  
  
The queen of the faeries growled. Nakago was skulking about, visibly sunning himself in her favorite sparkly miniskirt. She'd show him. Somehow.  
  
The scent of fresh pineapple caught her nose.  
  
Tomo was unhappy. He wheezed loudly, somehow unable to get away from the pineapple violently affecting his lungs. His eyes seemed to have swelled shut; he couldn't see, he could hardly even move; his body felt bloated to twice its size.  
  
There was a very large pineapple sitting in the middle of the Faerie Soccer Field. In a semi-interested manner, as if it might have been a gift from an avid admirer, Soi sauntered up to it, noting that Nakago was watching suspiciously.  
Hearing someone approach, Tomo moaned, "Help...me..."  
Soi jumped. Pineapples, at least normal ones that got made into cake for her enjoyment, did not talk. Then she got an idea. An evil idea. An evil, despicable, and most certainly odd idea. She gasped loudly. "Oh! You are?" She giggled.  
"Need...anti...histamine..."  
"Why, thank you!" She fluttered her eyelashes. "I just bought it..."  
"Please...no air..."  
"Ooh! Dirty!"  
  
Ashitare tried very hard to remember something important that Tomo had told him.  
"And, after the play is over, you will eat everyone in the audience! And those annoying children! And maybe yourself...no, that won't work. And then no one will be left and I will be KING!" Tomo cackled.  
Tasty.  
"And if anyone attacks me with pineapple, remember to get my inhaler."  
Huh. He probably didn't need to remember that part.  
  
Much later...  
  
"So what seems to be the problem?" Amiboshi tilted his head to the side. "Other than that...you're male...and so is he..."  
Nuriko sighed, temporarily resisting the removal of Tamahome, who was clinging to his leg, by force. "That's not a problem, per se, I just want him off."  
"Well, you've come to the right place!" Amiboshi rummaged in his Faerie Bag 'O Benevolence.  
He handed Nuriko a baeball bat. "This should do the trick!"  
Nuriko frowned. "A big piece of wood?"  
"A magic piece of wood." He pointed to the words 'Louisville Slugger' on the side. "See? A magic incantation!"  
"Oh, ok." Disturbing smiles were exchanged.  
  
"Man, this sucks."  
"I concur." Chiriko and Tasuki sighed. The Enchanted-Magic Glitter Forest was normally not a very normal place to be, but it was just disturbing when one's queen was draping her scantily-clad self all over a giant pineapple. Even more so when you were assigned to guard said queen- and-pineapple.  
"How long d'we have to do this, anyways?"  
"Approximately fifteen more days or until Nakago says we may desist. And 'anyways' is not actually a verifiable word."  
"Eh, whatever. You know what that big ol' fruit-thing's s'posed to be?"  
"I believe it is a pineapple, a fruit indigenous to the Caribbean  
tropics and subtropics."  
"Smells good."  
"Yes, it does." Tasuki frowned. "I am rather hungry."  
"Yeah. Me too. When does this dang Personality-Swapping Serum wear off?"  
"I'm afraid it won't be for some time." Tasuki patted Chiriko consolingly on the head. "Cheer up, little friend."  
  
"Okie-dokey." Pushing Nuriko backwards into a stout chair, Amiboshi proceeded to secure a large apron around the purple-haired-guy's neck.  
"Why do I have to wear this? It's so not my color..."  
"It's maaagic..."  
Nuriko frowned.  
"And beauty requires sacrifices."  
"You've got that right, toots." Nuriko pouted into a large mirror. "But it makes me look so fat..."  
"You're just lucky it's Magic Faerie Help-Help Day. Now, your wish was to have Hotohori love you...?"  
"Forever and ever and ever."  
"'Kay. Let's get to it, then." Amiboshi rummaged in a large sack. "Let the magic begin!"  
"That's a makeup brush!"  
"No, it's a magic wand. Stupid humans..."  
  
At an absolutely arbitrary time somewhere within the scope of the early evening, everyone in the kingdom important to the story suddenly congregated outside a large warehouse-turned-(cheap) theater, milling about and waiting to be let in. Reporters who happened to be in the area flocked to get the scoop on Queen Soi and her dashing new beau. Keisuke directed everyone inside, past his sign that said 'Free!!!!!' in large red letters. Unfortunately, it also said 'Exit may incur a small fee' in very small black letters on the back.  
Upon entering, the guests steadfastly ignored Ashitare's refreshment stand. It did not do well to imagine what might have been in the brownies.  
Some of the more important visitors were announced by various members of their own entourages as they came in. There were Soi and the mysterious Mister Ri (she wasn't good at coming up with fake names), Hotohori and his favorite hand mirror, and of course the impending Royal Couple of Yui and Tetsuya, given a suitably dissonant fanfare just to attract attention and seated in the places of honor (all of the seats were folding chairs, but these had festive crepe paper on them).  
The guests took their seats, the lights dimmed, a few small faces peeked out from the wings for the last time, there was a last sickening clunk of a dropped prop, and the show began.  
No one cared, because, as Yuiren tiptoed out and began stuttering over her first lines in near-whisper, a magical spotlight flooded the entryway. Amiboshi's glitter beneath it threatened to cause blindness. With a flourish of arm and flutter of spangles, he shouted:  
"Announcing the beautiful Courtesan Nuriko– Version Two!"  
Nuriko entered. A gasp spread over the audience like a tide. And from this tide rose a single figure, willow-slender and glowing with pale beauty. The emperor of Kounan glided through the masses in a near-daze, his magnificent eyes wide, thunderstruck. Hotohori suddenly snapped from this trance and dashed to clutch the newcomer in his arms with a whirl of silk.  
"My love," the emperor whispered, and gently kissed Nuriko's lips.  
Nuriko was, in short, made up to be the mirror image of Hotohori. It brought a tear to Amiboshi's eye. The afternoon had been a miracle of hair dye and some very interesting spells involving a straightening iron. Yes, he was truly a master faerie. The audience stood and applauded.  
The play being terrible anyhow, everyone decided to leave. There were some eruptions of sound from the exit, suggesting short quarrels, but eventually the warehouse emptied, leaving just two figures staring entranced at the actors.  
The gleeful sounds of Keisuke counting money nearly drowned out the stuttered lines, but they went a little something like this:  
"Oh, no! But how will the Prince and I ever pay our hugely inflated electrical bill?"  
"I've got an idea!"  
"What's that, dad?"  
"But that was MY cheese!" shouted Shunkei, who had forgotten that line in the first act and felt that the fifth was as good a place as any to shout it.  
All of the other actors fell silent. Some fell over. "The end," muttered Chuei, and the curtain fell.  
Tears streaming down their faces, Miaka and Tamahome applauded wildly.  
"Encore! Encore!" shouted Tamahome.  
"No! Come back on and do it again!" shouted Miaka, who couldn't imagine how her Tama-chan could suddenly speak German.  
"Oh, Miaka!"  
"Oh, Tamahome!"  
"Miaka!"  
"Tamahome!"  
"Miaka!"  
"Oh, Tamahome, wasn't it so funny when he did that one thing, and then she dropped the other thing on his head and then the duck came on..."  
Ashitare came out form behind the curtain and unceremoniously devoured the pair of star-crossed lovers. "I hate it when people mess up the funny bits," he said, and burped. 


End file.
